being a child of divorce

It's not easy having divorced parents. It has its up sides, as for everything in life, but all in all, it's not so pretty. It includes several fights, having your parents complain and talk negatively about each other, the step parents and/or step siblings, not having a whole, united family... The hardest part of it all, for me, was definitely having to go back and forth between both parents. Because they didn't talk to each other, I had to play the role of a deliverer and deliver what they wanted me to and it included very harsh things and so it hurt me very deeply. They would yell at me, instead of yelling at each other and that is when I learned how to hold back my tears but I would eventually fuel up and go through emotional outbursts.

I can't tell you for how long I wished my parents would get back together. I always had it in my mind that they would, I would always imagine and hope for them to be together. It was on my 17th birthday that they finally decided to settle things and they surprised me together. My step mom had finally come to terms with it and so she was supportive of it as well. I don't hold any grudges, though, excluding my mom.

I hold grudges towards my mom because she would have to work all the time to the point where she would very rarely come home. That's why I never really got to have a deep connection with her. She was never there; not even when she was around, physically. She wasn’t mentally there. When she was home, I would have to put up with her bipolar attitude. At one point, I remember we were starving with my brother because the baby sitter didn't even care to make us food. Mom never checked up on the baby sitters so I can see where the baby sitter was coming from. It was an environment where she could control mostly anything.

Because of the divorce, I have insecurities. It baffles me how my parents could be so selfish to get divorced. I know my mom thought it would be better for us too but in all honesty, I would rather put up with the occasional arguing between my parents than to have my family torn asunder. And I'm insecure about finding love because if my parents didn't look out for us enough to not try to make things right and stay together, who in the world could possibly love me so much that they would not break me and crush my soul? I have no faith in unconditional love but what's odd is that I've always strived to be the kind of person who doesn't let people down, who would go through things with someone and even at the worst of times, be there for them. That's the kind of person I intuitively wanted to become and still do, to this day.

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't me asking for anyone's pity but it's only the sole truth. I tried looking at it another way and I came up with the fact that because my parents are divorced, I should be saying bye to a happy mother and having a happy father welcome me and so forth. Usually, this is what happens, right? Because they are no longer together, they do what makes them happier and ultimately, I have happier parents. That should make me happy. Well, in my case, they aren't so happy anyway so this still doesn't apply to me but it's a good point in explaining why divorce isn't such a bad thing after all. Another thing is that, when people don't get divorced, the children in that family could be affected in the following ways... The girl would be caught up in this image that they would have to be miserable wives and resentful towards their husband all the time, just because their mother stayed in the relationship and they suffer. As for the boys, they would often learn that they should find a woman who will stay and do whatever they ask of them and it would just lead up to very sad families.

To sum it all up, as I've said in the beginning, divorce isn't a pretty thing but it's one of life's adversities that some people have to go through, be it the spouse or the children. And ultimately, you realize life is so much more than that and you eventually get through it. What's important is to grab as many life lessons as you can from any bad situation. Otherwise, it's just a very meaningless time spent being sad.