"yearning", "a rant", "hope"

Yearning

September 13, 2018

01:17 AM

Missing someone doesn’t mean that you want or should get back together with them. I miss him very intensely and I still love him but I don’t ever want to be with him. The fact that you don’t want that person in your life anymore doesn’t lessen what they meant to you at some point. This is not an easy pill to swallow but it’s how it is. It’s nothing we can’t handle, in fact, I just know in my heart that this process will lead up to greater things in the end. I’m mindfully taking in the experience. I’ve learned a lot and grown so much from the pain, the regret and everything. There’s beauty in pain and there’s beauty in intensity. I’m just glad I’m even feeling something. I’d always been used to numbing myself to cope with the pain I was dealt with in my childhood and I’m actually glad that I’m going through all this agony. Happiness is an illusion, it’s ambiguous and it isn’t safe because it won’t last, nor will anything ever but what about misery? Sure, it won’t last forever, either but it’s always safer to stay on this side. There’s also the fact that gloominess helps with the creativity. I’m never at my most productive when I am overly relaxed anyway.

A Rant

September 15, 2018

A while ago, I destroyed something so special so as to conform to this idea in my head that I had commitment issues, which I may have, and not to say I regret it but over the course of time, I’ve just started to see things in a different light and it’s now manifesting itself as many things... Such as self-hatred, emptiness, desperation and many more... Having to accept the fact that there’s nothing left for me to compensate for anymore numbs me. Therefore, I can’t cry, I can’t be depressed because deep down I just know... This is it. This is where it all ends. I used to want to die. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe... I was actually suffocating. And now? You’d expect me to be miserable and go through it all over again but I didn’t. Because I just knew. What I didn’t know at the time is that there’s nothing worse than being in a situation where you can’t even be bitter about it. It’s sort of like this precognition where you knew it wasn’t going to last but it finally hits you, for real and for good. But, alas, my views about certain things have evolved excessively and alright, alright... Had my mind not changed so tremendously, I’d at least know how to deal with the situation but the truth is this: How could I not regret a single thing I did? In all honesty, I do regret all of it, with all my heart. Thus, I can’t go on with my life, at least not in this aspect. PS: I am trying. Also, it’s 4 AM, so...

Hope

September 18, 2018

Hope is one of the most important things in life. Without it, most of us wouldn't even be here. Having said that, it's also quite important to note that it's not very healthy to hold on to a person but that's just my situation right now. It's been 3 months since he broke up with me and of course, I've made progress since then. For instance, I used to tell my friends (and the guys that I was dating, true story) all about him. He was the only thing that came out of my mouth during that time. That has definitely changed. To top it all off, the other day, I had a mini make-out session with someone who he was always jealous of (and rightfully so). This is important because I had been avoiding any type of sexual interaction since we broke up. And yet, here I am, once again, writing about him.

Speaking of hope, as you can imagine, I still have this hope that maybe he will change his mind after all. Even after he told me he didn't love me and that he didn't want to have anything to do with me, I still kept hoping because I figured he might be denying his feelings for me or saying all those things so that I leave him alone (because we can't work it out) or maybe he meant it when he said that he didn't love me but that doesn't mean that he never will. Exes get back together all the time, people grow, things never go as planned and you--you just never know. People just don't go from being the most important person in your life to no one overnight. They just don't and--and I love him. I will keep fighting for our love because it's the kind of love that deserves to be fought for. This whole ordeal made me realize how much I actually love him, not that I needed a reminder (or maybe I did, so what?). He deserves to have someone in his life that will stay by his side unconditionally and perhaps, I had it in my mind that if I showed him how genuinely I wanted to be there for him, he would be very impressed and our relationship would be fixed. And even though I'm sure I've moved on, in the sense that I'm ready to have another relationship, go on with my life etc., I just can’t shake this feeling that we belong together and I will never stop holding out for us. I couldn't do it if I wanted to.