why I'm done being a "ride-or-die" girl

In the first stages of my former relationship, I had already started arguing with my ex-boyfriend viciously. I'm not going to lie, in the very beginning, it was fun and exciting but that was during our "honeymoon period" and it lasted rather quickly. After about a month or so, I broke it off with him because I'd been hurt. (I'm just pointing out that we were not compatible at all in the sense that we would have very heated arguments, right from the beginning. I'm not looking for anyone's pity nor am I putting the blame on anyone but the sole truth is that I was hurting, nonetheless.)

After I broke up with him for the first time, I felt this void. Therefore, I reached out to him and we got back together in an instant. This cycle repeated itself for about 5 months and that corresponds to an amount of about 5 or 6 break ups, if I am not mistaken. I was hurting so much that I had started questioning my own worth. I would constantly be in this attempt to break up with him for good and it was far too simple for me to do, as I was already used to it. And so I did it endlessly, always hoping that this time it would stick. I was looking for ways to end things with him. I'm the kind of person who can't bear the thought of abandoning people, even if they were hurting me because I'm what is called a "ride-or-die girl". I've always believed in sticking with people -especially closest to you-, through thick and thin but that is just not healthy, at least not to an extent such as in my case.

After the first 5 months, where we were practically practicing this cycle of being on-again, off-again, we finally came to a much different era in our relationship. When I tried to get back together after breaking up with him, I realized he genuinely didn't want to this time and he just started ignoring me. He had just had it. The relationship was obviously way too draining for him, as it was for me but as I said earlier, I'm the type of person who isn't intimidated by anything, nearly. I'm usually all for it. It took me a lot of work to get him back again. Nothing I said would ever affect him. I realized that some things had changed. I went to his place and literally pleaded him. I bawled my eyes out but he came off as very strong-willed in this decision that he had made. Then again, to my surprise, just when I was about to leave, he gave me a warm hug and said that we would figure things out. I remember feeling very victorious. I felt like we could overcome anything and it gave me so much hope. We spent some time together and he started to hint that I should get going and I got that, since he was going to leave for something, too. I asked him to leave together and he denied it but that's not the point. Anyway, back to my point... Right before I left, he expressed it to me that he was in need of some space and he warned me that he would not text me or call me all that much. At that moment, I knew for sure that the relationship was pretty much doomed but being the desperate and needy person I am, I said I was alright with it because honestly, it mattered to me more that we were together.

As time passed, I became more and more obsessed with him not texting me. Even though he had already told me that this would happen, I just couldn't help myself from grouching all the time. As his girlfriend, of course, I expected affection and mind you, I'm the kind of person who can't go a day without a considerable amount of admiration and/or attention. Therefore, this was a very definite dealbreaker for me. It was too much for me to handle.

Then came around yet another break up, the one before the final one. This one was definitely the hardest of all. I fought the urge to not get in touch with him so hard that I was mentally and even physically exhausted at times. I was so distracted and all I could do was eat myself alive. I couldn't think straight. I was suffocating. It was literally getting harder for me to breathe. I had this intense feeling in my chest and I was heaving. I had never felt more desperate in my life. I don't know what I wouldn't do to gain him back again at that point. I will skip here and jump right into the reconciliation part where this time, it was not convincing at all. This was even worse than the reconciliation before. This time, I wasn't convinced that his heart was in it. Another reason I felt bad was because I sincerely believed that he did this out of pity, which I was most probably right by the way. You can imagine how it will go forward from here.

Now onto the part where I try my best to keep him. This is when I would hardly ever stand up against him. I never wanted to go through a break up again with him because I honestly wanted it to last or I at least did not want it for another 6 months or so. I finally wanted some sort of stability in our relationship and emotionally, too. (It was so unstable that when we made some sort of plan for, say, the following week, we would not even be able to meet it because by that time, we would have already broken up.) In an attempt to save our relationship, I sent him edible flowers, donated to a charity under his name and had the certificate shipped to him, painted a ceramic and carried it all the way from another country to give it to him etc. (excluding some other stuff to keep this PG13.) Anyway, you get the point. Typically, it didn't work. Of course, he would appreciate the gestures and all but there's only so much you can do when the other person is far less willing than you. Sometimes, things just don't work out in life, whatever you may do. Not to mention, we still argued all the time, he had lost almost all interest, I would cry a lot, I was even more obsessive at this point etc. and it started to go downhill once more. Soon after, he broke up with me and over the phone. (Even though we were a 20-minute walk from each other.)

In conclusion, I’m now starting to realize that being a ride-or-die girl isn’t actually a great thing after all. (As fascinating as the thought of a strictly loyal partner may sound.) Because true love is not about being there for someone no matter what; that’s just co-dependency. If someone’s hurt you too many times, you may leave them and it also goes the other way around. Ride-or-die girls don’t value true love but just the idea of it. (The most essential reason for my downfall) They long for the security in that relationship, they don’t focus on integrity nor self-worth. A ride-or-die girl, as we call it, is scared, obsessed, diffident and so on. She is afraid to pick a fight even, so obsessed over not wanting the other person to break up with them. I know that this is nowhere near healthy behavior. As much as I would like to romanticize the idea of two people belonging together (and I actually blame fairy tales for this), the extensively unhealthy behavior is where I should cross the line. Because, of course, two people should look out for each other and be a little understanding at times but that can never give the right to act so selfishly to the other party. Now that I come to think about it, the so-called "love" I've always so eagerly loved to fantasize about was in reality just a very bad relationship in a cute dress, so to speak. And basically, this is why I'm done being a ride-or-die girl.