chris...

13.10.2019

I never thought it could be possible to start falling for someone while still desperately missing someone else, but it just happened, in an instant. And yet again, another romantic/sexual "relationship" (however you would call this) with a clear ending. Why does it have to be this way? This is not what I meant when I said I hated ambiguity. I hate to know that this will be over soon. I hate that even though we might be perfect for each other, this is not the right place and right time. You would think that everything in the universe would come together to put us together in perfect circumstances but I guess that's just a weird fantasy. This is real life and it is really tragic because you don't find something like this all the time. I'm not saying we are the definition of a great romance or something like that. I mean, it hasn't even been 2 weeks since we started to have "a thing". (Although, it is not the duration that matters; sometimes, you just know.) Well, I know. I know this might have been something great. At least for the time being, it is. The best thing to do is to enjoy every little piece of it. I will be spending the next 2 months with that in mind and I know he will be too.

26.10.2019 1:23 AM

It's midnight, on a Friday. I'm in my room, listening to Cigarettes After Sex, which reminds me of my ex but honestly, I can't even remember the times we shared together. They just seem so far away and unreal at this point. In fact, while I'm listening to "K.", I find myself thinking about Chris. The song is about two people in a no-strings-attached relationship starting to have feelings for each other. It also specifically talks about wanting to be exclusive. Of course, that reminds me of Chris and how I drunkenly embarrassed myself in front of him weeks ago, which later, actually, led to a clear statement from him about how we he is not in a place to be in a relationship. We both want each other, that's obvious but at the same time, we don't make sense together. And we both know that. That's what makes this so hard. Nonetheless, I am beyond happy that we get to spend time together and that we share stuff with each other and that is enough for me. Even if it is for a couple of months, it really is enough. Of course, part of me wishes things didn't have to be this way but at the same time, I feel beyond lucky to just have met him and to be sharing something with him. He will always remind me of such a special time in my life. And who knows, we might meet each other again one day. It would be nice to see him. We would reminisce old times and maybe feel the same warmth again. We could hug for a long time and it could feel like an eternity... And that just might be my last moment with him. What's great is that nothing could ever ruin what we've had. It would just be a perfect "love" story that lasted rather short. No dramas, no arguing, no confusions, no stress. Our love would stay unruined,
forever.

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