e (closure)

March 25th, 2019

Recently, I've begun to understand what falling in love feels like. I've realized that it is such a precious thing and I've never experienced it before. In the past, I claimed that I fell in love a couple of times but even then, I knew I wasn't really in love. I knew it was something similar but it definitely wasn't like this. I haven't fallen in love yet but now, I know for sure that I'm in the process of it. I'm not rushing it, which is a good thing. I'm aware that slowly, but surely, I'm falling in love. And I want to be in love too. Everything about him is just so... peculiar. There's so many things I like, or love, about him. It's such a fascinating thing to get to know someone, with their quirks and everything. The more we keep getting closer to each other, the more I feel lucky and... alive. "Alive" is how he makes me feel. I'm enjoying the ride with him, without deducing anything. Without any doubts, expectations or confusions... We make each other happy and that's what matters to me. I know he feels the same way about this. Any obstacle that may come our way, we'll figure out when it's actually there. This is how our perspective should be about pretty much anything in life by the way. So this relationship has been teaching me that I should be less anxious and be in the moment more. This is a lesson that I will always carry with me.

July 28th, 2019

I will start by saying how hard it has been to write. I can't even count how many times I actually sat down on the computer and tried to write, but then eventually, gave up. I haven't felt the need to write my emotions away for so long. The reason for that could be because I lost my comprehension of time and place for a few weeks and finally, now have such intense emotions that I can actually do this. The past 3 weeks really felt like 3 years. 3 weeks ago today, I had so much to look forward to and my first stop was Germany. Right after my trip to Germany, I went on a trip with my family and their friends. It was especially important because I have such a distorted relationship with my brother and honestly, nobody was sure if we could survive on a boat for days together, but we did. Obviously it didn't go perfectly but it's not such a bad memory when I look back at it. After that, I went on a summer camp. What's really great is that everyone I knew there made such great comments about how I managed to truly develop myself in a year. (I went on the same exact camp last summer.) Even my teachers said that, and they really meant it -- and that really meant a lot to me. I can't believe how I got to where I am today. I feel like I have never grown so much in one year. One of the things that made me grow up a bit more may be the fact that the first person I actually fell in love with had to break up with me. I say it like that because we had to break up. We had, mostly, such a great relationship. I won't delve into the reasons why it didn't work out, but I do know it just didn't need to. It had to end, and it did. I can't believe how easily I'm handling it, because as far as I'm concerned, I could never be able to accept a break up. Therefore, this is very, very unusual and unknown to me. As I also told him, I know the reason for that very well, and I will tell you right now. Basically, in my first relationship, I didn't know any better. I was so lost. I always felt like that person was it for me, like I could never have another relationship. After a 5 month long mourning (of a 9,5 month long on-and-off relationship), and about 4 months later, I started a loving and fun adventure with my now-ex, newly-broken-up-with boyfriend. He really is the first person I actually fell in love with. The relationship I had my with first boyfriend had shown me that a great relationship was holding out for me at the end of the tunnel. And therefore, my second boyfriend had shown me that my first boyfriend wasn't actually the only person I could be with. And I'm taking this life lesson with me right now. This relationship has also come to an end, but what really matters is the fact that I now have the ability to realize that all of this might actually lead me to the person I'm meant to be with. None of the experiences I've had are to be regretful for. I'm glad that I can keep enjoying my journey. (Carpe diem is actually the second best lesson I've gotten from the relationship.) All relationships make us grow, even if they're not meant to last, which is something you come to terms with as you get more mature, I suppose.

September 30th, 2019

It's past 2.30 after midnight and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you. I was going to text you but I'm trying so hard to keep the promise I made to myself. I wasn't supposed to contact you because I thought that that wouldn't be the right thing to do. Oh, the right thing... It has a notoriety of screwing things up. I guess I'm holding back also because I don't want you to think that I'm desperate. Oh, but I am... You can't imagine how much I miss you, how much I want to be with you... You were the one person that I truly cared about and now you're gone. It's like every memory is fading. It's true, we've had our doubts about each other but that didn't mean that things couldn't be fixed. I've realized that none of it was worth losing you, what we've had... You are the first person that I ever really fell in love with. You should know that it was very special to me, all of it, and it will always remain that way. Nothing can ever change that. I just wish you knew all that, though we probably can't be together anymore. I want you to know that if I could go back, I would dismiss every little doubt I've ever had. None of it could hold me back from loving you, but then again, they never actually did. I never stopped loving you and I don't know if I ever will.

PS: I will probably never even contact you. This is just my way of letting things out. Good night.

November 23rd, 2019

Something really amazing happened today. It's as if somebody took off a veil I didn't even know I had on. I came to the realization that the person I had been yearning for has actually caused me many damages. I had been wasting my time, my life -- myself. And for who? For what? Am I really that unworthy?

It is important to know one's self worth. This has been one of the main issues I have, the consequences of which I've had to endure for basically my whole life. It even goes back to primary school. I remember I had someone who I called my best friend, and even when she would do something bad to me, I would still stay with her. I would tolerate her, thinking this was the right thing to do. I thought if you had people in your life that you truly cared about, you should stick with them no matter what happens. And if they backstab you, lie to you, yell at you, you need to hope this will pass and help them get through it ("this phase"). I thought leaving them would be the worst thing one could do. I never prioritized my own worth, heck, I'm not even sure if I knew I had it.

Fast forward to now, I'm 20 years old and still trying to deal with the consequences of this. I'm getting better at overcoming it, though. I don't know how I improved. I mean, I didn't even realize I was improving but I would say it probably happened with experience. I hope I can reach a point in my life where I have really tackled this issue and nobody can ever break me. I know it will happen one day. So until then, I will keep on experiencing.

It's good that I have been embracing my emotions for the past few days but I think it's really time -- today is when I turn a new leaf and move on with my life, even more so than before.

November 30th, 2019

ATTACHMENT

All I am left with
Are memories now
Memories that are
Slowly fading

I close my eyes and
Clear my mind
Listening to the songs that
Were once ours

The only remaining thing that
Connect me to him
Bringing back our
Memories to me

And our songs, they will always stay...

xxxx

I want to cry but, I can't even feel anymore
I've numbed myself to the pain

December 6th, 2019 2.28 AM

The weirdest thing just happened. I went to the bathroom and right after having washed my hands, just as I was patting the towel against my face, I broke down. I broke down and started crying. This has never happened before. And I could never have expected this. It was such an instant reaction and because there was nothing leading up to it. I guess I'm tired of trying to be strong. I am not strong. I am unbelievably vulnerable and I still can't get over my loss. My loss of him, a person who meant everything to me, even if he possibly wasn't aware of it. Truthfully, even I wasn't aware of it. Heck, I was not aware that I could actually love someone. I have never, ever felt like this. His existence in my life has made me discover sides of me that I didn't know even existed. And everything else seems so pretentious compared to what this is, because this is so raw and so real. And it hurts like hell. It hurts like hell.

December 26th, 2019

To the "one that got away"*,

If there is anything I've learned about love up until this time, it's that it's not enough to resolve anything. It is such a powerful feeling, yet it doesn't suffice for anything "real". It just helps push us, but it doesn't help anything. Even worse, it can ruin a lot of things. It's still a beautiful thing, though. Love hurts, as much as it makes us happy. Love is filled with everything and nothing. Love is not a promise that two people will last -- that they will always be together, that they will get a happily ever after. Love is not a guarantee; rather, it's a risk. Love is still beautiful. In reality, love is a lot like life.

Can love really overcome anything? To me, love itself is not enough. Because it's completely irrational. You need to put in the work, you have to actually work to maintain a relationship. Life has taught me that love won't magically do that for you. Because love doesn't guarantee anything. Love does not equal a happy relationship -- or a relationship at all. That's beyond love. But everyone wants to be able to live and express the feeling of love that they have, so they go on to label themselves. They start relationships. It's understandable. As long as we realize that love does not guarantee anything at all. It's the people who are going to make things work, if they truly want that.

The connection between me and him is irreversible, almost unbreakable. It wasn't always perfect, what we've had, the things we've been through. Here's the way I see it: The fights, the break ups, the tears are ours, just as much as the laughs and the kisses -- and everything in between, was. They are not separate from what we have and they will always be ours. To me, the "bad stuff" never really lessened or took away anything from us and our love. It may have damaged us, but I know that nothing will ever break this connection. Even if we don't make sense together, our love is there. I know full well that love does not guarantee anything and I don't expect anything either. I love him and he loves me -- it's as simple as that. Love is not necessarily an "act", as everyone usually makes it up to be. It's merely a feeling. It's upon us whether we act on it, and how we go about it. And I guess time will show...

*1. The mate from a past relationship or friendship who, in the present reality, seems the ideal match, if it weren't for some force beyond your control, fate or otherwise, keeping you apart. 2. In virtually any context, someone you meet and share a significant encounter with who holds qualities akin to "the one" but for circumstance sake you are separated from; always after the fact.

January 9th, 2020

LENTAMENTE

has enamorado por la primera vez,
es como mágico
sabes que nadie podría acercarse
a la forma en que te hizo sentir

y así intentas,
intentas a afferarte a lo que tienes
pero acabas viendo
como se desliza a través de tus manos

lentamente.

9.1.2020
Parc de la Ciutadella, Barcelona

(you've fallen in love for the first time,
it's like magic
you know that no one could come close
to the way he made you feel

and so you try,
you try holding onto what you have
but you end up watching
as it slips through your fingers

slowly.)

January 18th, 2020

I never knew loving could be so self-destructing. Every moment of every single day, I have to fight my brain to stop dreading over you. It's mind blowing how much I long for the touch of your lips or to get even a slightest glance at your mesmerizing smile. I would do anything to be in an alternate universe where I could be with you. I don't think I've ever really realized how much I care about you until now. Maybe this sounds wrong in some ways, but it's the truth... I started seeing you in a different light. I know that if I could be with you again, I would do absolutely anything in my power to prevent us from being apart. I never want to hurt you. All I wish is for you to let me love you. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And I want to do that every day, for as long as I'm alive. I want to give you my all. I want to know everything about you and be there for you through everything. I know we tried before and we failed. I know you're scared. I know that this requires a leap of faith. Let's do it, let's take a leap of faith. Take a leap of faith with me.

May 2nd, 2020

It's been so long since our breakup but I still think about you all the time. At first, it hurt but now it has become a habit that I've grown accustomed to. And it hurts less, much less. Thinking of you has become something that I do on a day to day basis -- I don't know, it's like eating or studying for me. Usually, when I'm feeling emotional or missing someone, I get the urge to share it or express it in same shape or form. But most of the time, I don't even feel like expressing it anymore. That's how it's become. I don't know if you know what I mean by that. Anyway, I honestly don't know when (or if -- ever) there will be a day where I don't think about you anymore. That day will probably come, though. As we get caught up with stuff going on in our lives, we tend to not think about other things. I'm not saying I will forget you. We will never forget each other. But we will move on. I'm sure you already did. And I will too. Right now, I'm at the stage where I've accepted it. So that's still something. On a more serious note, I know that you're not actually reading any of this. You never will. I just want to say, I really loved you and I'm sorry. I don't know. I wish my love meant something for you, I wish it actually changed something but it doesn't and it won't. I guess we're better off this way. Not to mention, you're with someone else now. I've come to terms with all that... Still, I dream of us getting back together every night to make myself fall asleep. It just fills my soul. I love to fantasize about us. I guess it's my guilty pleasure.

May 18th, 2020, 1 AM

I've started to deal with our breakup much better. I think about you much less now. I genuinely want to move on with my life. What's the point of holding onto you and just -- why do I do this?

As I get more mature, I'm getting better at understanding that just because you love someone -- or something, it doesn't always mean that you're going to get it. That's not how anything works, really. Besides, why do I feel like I need to be with you anyway? Am I not happy enough on my own? Heck, when you think about it, am I not even happier without all that drama? Then again, "all that drama" was pretty much always caused by me. The other day I came to the realization of this. I realized that I had been causing too much unnecessary drama in our relationship. I was basically sabotaging it. That's so strange, isn't it? Well, I guess I was just too immature. And that's something I wish I could tell you.

I came across this project called "Left Unsaid" a few days ago, where you can send them the words that you "left unsaid" to a certain someone. This evening, I got an email from them saying they put my words on their website. And yes, I wrote to you. I'm going to put it here as well. So, there you go, here's what I "left unsaid" to you: I was too immature to keep you but I loved you for real and now we will never be together.

(I just realized this seems like an ad, haha, I guarantee you it's not!!)

June 1st, 2020

This is the last time I will ever write about you. I can't believe how blind I was not to see how much character you were lacking. This goes to show I still have a lot to learn. I hate you. I will never not hate you.

January 10th, 2021 01:09 AM

Here's the truth: I will always care about you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, to this day. Maybe it doesn't mean much to you but I just want you to know it. Even if I can't say this to your face, you just need to know it in your heart... and I know you do.

Comments

  1. Enjoyed this looking forward to reading more of your posts👏

    ReplyDelete
  2. That’s great that you found a place to express your feelings. Good reads.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Girl, you are just like me. Collecting writings about the past, or newly added stories of excitements. I like our blog!

    ReplyDelete

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