Notes

February 26, 2016

It's not about the physical pain, I'm mentally suffering which actually feels like an endless one and I'm not afraid, I'm just in a state where I'm quite mindful, not exactly but almost... Then again, awareness could turn into battling against something in your mind that is not existential to begin with, moreover, you come to a point where you think you won't be able to make it but then again, I have always made it. But just because you keep going doesn't mean that you've freed your mind completely. It doesn't mean that you're done struggling and it's all become rainbows and butterflies. No. Or maybe, you have a right to battle. It does exist and it does bother you. Then, after all these suffering, I still can't give a proper answer as to how one shall overcome that, solve if you will... I can't seem to figure it out, so the best way to go is simply to forgive and to understand. Lower your expectations and you should be just fine, I can promise you that.

August 23, 2016

From now on, no more boys. By that, I mean of course, no more "falling head over heels for some boy and obsessing over him for several months". Because if it were to ever get to a point where actual sexual human interaction were needed, I'd run away, like the usual. Ergo, not really what I mean when I say "no more boys". Then, I can't help but to wonder what I'd do if any of the boys that I actually liked would like me back, though, because well, that has never ever happened, ever. Except for this one guy in 5th grade and some other ones that haven’t had the guts to open up to me, probably. But, what do I know?

December 15, 2016

I don't even know why I started liking you in the first place. I still don't know why you're so important to me. What sucks the most is that you probably don't see me worthy as much. That's okay, I wasn't meant to be loved by people. I never really pushed myself to be in love with you, I just was. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I liked him well before I met you. You're both really captivating and attractive to me and well, a normal person would be able to tell who they really love. I guess I love you both at the same level, or does that mean that I actually don't even like either of you that much? That can't be true, though because he makes my heart skip a beat. You, well, you're so beautiful so you make me happy as well. You're both so beautiful to be quite honest. I don't know what's wrong with me.

March 10, 2017 10.25 PM

Some things are better left unsaid, some things are better flawed. Don't ever try to perfect something. That won't make it any better, just less real. Pour your emotions into anything that you do. It won't be technically the best, though it'll be unlike anything else. Isn't that ultimately what's worthwhile and moreover the truth anyway?

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