Comfortably Numb

January 14, 2016

Comfortably Numb

Isn't there a magic spell that can make all of my sorrows go away? Isn't there a magic bullet that could ease my pain? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like the pain. I enjoy pain thoroughly. Sometimes, I become numb to the extent of not feeling anything at all anymore. That's what frightens me the most. I can't really say that I like the numbness. What's the fun in not feeling anything? And while we're hovering around the subject, I can't help but to mention my situation of not feeling anything, but rather thinking my feelings if that makes any sense. The feelings that I talk about mostly aren't my real feelings. They're just self-taught thoughts that I learnt to recognize over the course of time. Does this make me an overall numb person? I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm an emotionless wreck. My brother's psychiatrist told me months ago that due to what I've been through during my childhood, I made a habit of repressing my emotions. And that because of this, I can't reveal them. Even to myself. I thought she was spot on.

In the past, I caught myself developing the wrong kinds of emotions for the wrong people. I can't be sure if I was aware of this, though, because the memory of my childhood is still kind of vague. I don't feel upset about anything that has ever happened to me, because there's still a long way down the road and I'm doing just fine for now. As cliché as it sounds, it's the struggles that we have to face in life that make us grow. Is this the life that I have to deal with? Then so be it.

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